I know this pain
by EonaDGM
Summary: "After everything we've survived together, I watched the man I love die. There is no normal after that." Those words cut right through Dean's heart. It hurts because it forces his mind back on the situation with Castiel. It hurts because he feels so much like her. But all he can do is pray. Set right after episode 11x17; Spoilers, Destiel


**Hello everyone,**

 **already my second Supernatural fic. This time really only a one-shot though.**

 **I always thought that at the end of season 11 episode 17 when he speaks with the woman they saved, there Dean looked so sad. Like he totally understood what she was feeling. But I didn't find any story like that, so I wrote one myself.**

 **Obviously Spoilers for season 11, up until episode 17 and some Destiel (though Cas never appears).**

 **Disclaimer: Nothing of Supernatural belongs to me, even the kursive words are only quotes and not mine.**

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 _After everything we've survived together, I watched the man I love die. There is no normal after that._

With a groan Dean rolls over in his bead. These words just won't leave him. The desperate tone and the deep sadness of a woman who had had to watch the person she loved most being killed right in front of her. Every time these words replay in his mind his chest clenches just like the first time he heard them.

 _I watched the man I love die_

He sighs deeply, his eyes snapping open. He won't be able to sleep right now anyway. He hasn't been sleeping properly (or as far as normal goes for a hunter) since Michelle uttered these words in the hospital. Granted he had had problems sleeping for longer than that, but this two sentences just made it worse.

Because as much as he would have liked to deny it, when Michelle said that, only one thing flashed through his mind. Blue eyes, black tousled hair and a dirty trench coat. Cas. The messed up situation the angel got himself into or more they got him into this time. How could the idiot let Lucifer posses him?

 _After everything we've survived together_

It is incredible how much shit Cas has accompanied them through by now. He never really noticed how long the angel has already been with them. Only now when the raven's presence is suddenly gone, everything comes crashing down. He knows Sam feels it too.

But his brother will never understand how much more it hurts him. Having the angel gone feels like a piece of himself is missing. Now that he thinks back every time Cas had been gone for a longer time, be it after walking into the water, purgatory or the civil war, he had always felt more irritable than usual. And now the idiot is possessed by the evillest angel in history and that's saying something. A shiver runs down his spine when the cruel expression the devil forced Cas' face into flashes through his mind. He buries his face in his pillow.

"Cas, you dumbass," he turns on his back, looking up to the ceiling, "I need you to come back alive. Throw that bastard out and come back to us."

 _I watched the man I love die_

It would not be the first time Cas died before his eyes. When he didn't make it through pulling the leviathans out of him then to wake up, only to walk straight into the water reservoir and go dead for months again. Or when that reaper bitch stabbed him right in front of his eyes. And every time it hurt more. Every time it felt like someone had driven a blade into his own heart.

But none of that hurt as bad as seeing the familiar form right in front of him, but the cruel smile of the devil himself twisting the normally calm face. To see him there, but know it isn't really him, knowing who it is instead. Even if he didn't think about what Cas might feel caged inside his own vessel, only allowed to watch. Or what Lucifer might do to the angel.

 _The man I love_

How true that sounds, no matter how unwilling Dean is to admit it. He isn't exactly sure when his feelings for their guardian angel changed from platonic brotherly love into the not so platonic version. He just knows that it's been years now but he never dared to voice them. First it was Cas' insanity, then Naomi, then Gadreel forced him to take his distance, then the mark and so on. There never seemed to be a good moment or maybe Dean is just too much of a coward.

And now he is paying the price for it. He hears what Cas said when he kept Lucifer from killing Sam, repeated to him by his brother, ring through his head again.

 _I wanted to be of service to the fight. … We need him._

Another groan winds it's way out of him. How could it have come this far? Is that the only way Cas thinks he's useful? From the way Sam recounted it, he does. Dean hits his pillow. How could none of them have noticed the change in their angel? But the answer is obvious. Now that he thinks back on it, Dean becomes aware that they have both been so concerned with their own problems, that they took Cas for granted and didn't pay any attention to any troubles he might have had.

And now it's too late. Now Cas has given in to the devil and the chance is high that they might never truly meet their friend again. All Dean can do is hope, that they can bring the angel back and that they will get the chance to repay Cas for everything. That it won't be too late to save him.

 _After all we've survived together, I watched the man I love die_

That doesn't make it any easier to see Cas like this. Dean has tried his best to ban Lucifer from his mind at least when he should sleep, but since he heard that sentence it has become impossible.

"Cas, I don't know if you can even hear me," he starts his by now nightly prayer, which will go unanswered like each one before that, "We've spent another whole day researching for a method to get Lucifer out of you. Still no real progress. All the books say is that you can't really exorcise an angel, because the vessel has to say yes first. So the vessel is the only one who can expel them. I know I have said it many times before, but you have to kick him out. We need you back. You, Cas, not Lucifer. I don't care about the fight. We will find another method to deal with Amara," he sighs, "We will find something, we always have. I know that the darkness is bigger than anything we have ever faced before but we can work this out. But we need you for that Cas. I need you to be here with me."

 _There is no normal after that_

An unconscious shudder runs down his back at that. No normal. No, he can't pretend everything is normal right now. No matter how many times Sam gave him the 'let's go hunting to take our minds off whatever big shit is going down at the moment' speech it always worked, but not this time. Not when their friend, the person Dean cares about the most (after Sammy maybe) is possessed by the devil and possibly being tortured inside in his mind. It just can't be normal right now.

 _After everything we've survived together, I watched the man I love die. There is no normal after that._

That's why these words hurt him so much. Not because Sam had just come back from the dead, but because those words reminded him so much of his own situation that it froze him for some seconds. That's why he had cried later that evening when he was alone in his car. He cried and screamed to heaven, to anyone who might listen, why they couldn't do anything to help Castiel.

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Omake: Sam's side:

It's late but Sam can't sleep, his injuries from the werewolf case are still itching. He is heading over to the library, the fact that they don't make any progress in saving Cas is weighing heavily on him. And he knows it is tearing his brother apart. His brother who cares so much for their angel, but won't admit it.

"But we need you for that, Cas. I need you here with me."

He stops when he hears a low voice filtering through the door he is just passing. Stopping mid-yawn he comes to a halt there. He turns to the side and realises with no surprise that he is standing next to his brother's room. He sighs and runs a hand over his face. Dean should really be sleeping right now. The older has been wandering around at night enough the past days.

But instead of regaining the much needed rest, Sam can hear his brother praying to Castiel. Pleading with the angel to come back. It is sad to hear it since his efforts are futile. Sam doubts the angel can even hear him, not to mention react.

The younger brother sends out his own short prayer for help. Whether to god, Gabriel, the rest of the angels or someone else. He doesn't care, anyone who will help with no repercussions waiting for them after the fight. But there is no response as usual.

So all Dean can do is pray and hope they find a method. And all Sam can do is listen to his brother plead with whoever is out there, keep his brother on track and research day after day.

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 **That's it. Thanks for reading.**

 **Hope you liked it. Please review.**


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